The more submissive I am, the more powerful I become

The more submissive I am, the more powerful I become

The more submissive I am, the more powerful I become

Vanilla, toxic and serial monogamy. The best way to describe the drowning feeling I’ve had for most of my life. One relationship to the next that wasn’t working. And all I could presume is something was wrong with me and it was my fault.

Something profound occurred to me today, sparked by a casual conversation with a very close friend. 

The more I’m settling into my submissive role, the stronger I feel every where else as well. Through negotiations and communication and learning the intricacies of my Dom. How we work together thru our roleplay life as well as our real life and running a business that crosses both territories. The more I learn about who I am as a sub and realize what I want and need.  Learning to communicate them in an appropriate way. The more I learn to navigate what is expected of me and where my boundaries intersect. The more powerful I feel outside of my role.

I was doing everything backwards. I was submissive to the abusers in my life and dominating and over bearing to the people who were gentle with me. I thought that I wanted it “rough”. And I do in a sense, but definitely not in the way I was getting it or accepting it in my life. What I had actually wanted was strong confident powerful force in my life that I could rely on and feel safe with. Feeling safe means to me that I can be me and have my attributes appreciated instead of manipulated and used against me.

I knew for a long time that what I wanted and needed in my daily life and sex life was not the accepted norm. But I had no idea how to find what I was looking for. Nor did I have the experience or knowledge to be able to articulate it to people who were living a such very different/vanilla life. 

In my everyday life I was submitting in a way that was harmful to me. I was bratty in a way that was harmful to me. I was bossy and domineering in a way that was harmful to me.

My point is, I realized the irony that the average vanilla or newbie may not understand right away. The balance of learning to submit at the same time feeling more empowered.